Well Hello Sunshine,
I’ve recently had some close friends express that a) back in spring they were concerned with how I would handle going through my divorce and b) that at times some thought I was masking my pain and wasn’t truly healed (aka faking my happiness).
I was surprised to hear this and also thankful.
:Surprised to have such amazing friends that are so honest with me.
:Thankful for friends that make me think about how I got to where I’m at today.
Their concerns reminded me of the times going through my divorce that I just wanted truth.
To hear it, read it, see it….anything that I could relate to. But, I had a hard time finding the raw, honest truth. So, this very-personal post is from my heart to yours. Whether you’re a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger, I hope my story can somehow help you in yours…
So here’s how I got to where I am today.
1. I grieved… several times.
While I’m happy now, I definitely grieved my way through the later part of my marriage (denial, pain/fear, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, acceptance). I was a hott mess for a while there.
I went through this process several times, going back and forth between the “stages” like I was in a game of shoots and ladders. You can ask anyone close to me as they had to listen to my teary phone calls or late night rampages. Not knowing if your marriage is going to last or fall apart is simply the worst…
But once I knew my future was headed towards divorce, I decided that I had given enough of my life, heart, time, and emotions on something so sad. So, from that day I on I made conscious effort to be joyful, each day.
2. I prayed. A lot.
Sometimes I didn’t know what to say and in those moments, I just counted my blessings.
I also found a church that I was actually excited about, interested in and wanted to go to. One that welcomes all, doesn’t judge, and is filled with people of a “me too” mindset. It took me 28 years, but I finally found my soulmate church.
3. I got support.
For some reason, speaking about my marriage/divorce seemed taboo to me. Why?
- I didn’t want to speak poorly or disrespect my spouse.
- I felt humiliated and embarrassed.
- I didn’t know who to trust.
- And, it felt too painful.
To me, the pain was the worst part. It’s not easy to open yourself up to others judgement, opinions and even support because it constantly reopens your wounds.
Somehow, the more I talked about it, the easier it became. By being honest with myself and sharing my story with others, it somehow helped me heal. And the more people I’ve talked to, the more I’ve realized how many people have gone through similar things or are currently going through it. Somewhere along the way I realized it was time for me to be strong because others needed to borrow a little bit of my strength.
I also saw a therapist. Best. Thing. Ever. I think we all could us counseling for something, especially through hard times. I had to want it though, I had to dig deep and make a mess to clean myself up. It wasn’t easy, but it was so worth it. Which leads me to my next point…
(I never expected to ask so many friends and family for well…so much in the beginning of this process. But I did it anyway because I really needed it. And, I’m very blessed to have such great loved ones by my side. Thank you for all the love, support, phone calls and favors, I owe you forever.)
4. I changed.
I realized through lots of self reflection the things I didn’t like about myself. And, the only thing I could about them was to change them.
So, I decided to embrace this year, making it the best I could. I welcomed change in hope to find and renew an even better me. I’m not sure how much the people around me feel I changed, but I do know I feel different… a whole lot different.
Rediscovering All Things “Me.” Sometimes when you spend so long with someone your lives become so intertwined that you don’t know where they end and where you begin. Or, you give up your passions in pursuit of your partners, or you simply leave them behind forgetting they make up part of you. Well, getting them back was the fun part for me.
New and Renewed: In the last year I’ve moved to a new state, really got to know my brother and sister in law, tried hip-hop classes, started to climb again, joined a gym, became passionate about running, started playing guitar again, got therapy, got Stig training, realized I like Saison after all, got the tattoo I’ve been wanting, started writing again (thanks for reading), stopped watching so much tv, rekindled my relationship with the mountains, went (almost) gluten free again, regained my independence, got my own place and met incredible new people and invaded their lives. Overall I embraced life like never before.
My personal favorite? I became honest with myself about…well, everything. So, here I am. The good, the bad, the ugly.
I learned more about who I am and what I have to offer. I learned that I am good enough, not perfect, not even close, but I am enough. I realized how loud my laugh can be, that I love to get dirty in the hills just as much as going out on the town. I learned how blessed I am to have such incredible friends and family. I learned who truly cares about me and who just wants details to gossip about (ouch, I know).
I realized my passion for cheesy action movies is something you just need to embrace, that I’m obsessed with my dog and I like it that way, that I’m the cheesiest romantic, that my music is always too loud, that I value honesty above all else, that I am awed with sunsets and that I am weirdly obsessed with skulls, peanut butter and EDM music when I’m running.
I learned that people often think I’m fake when they meet me, that I’m very sensitive, that I can be really selfish, that I’m scared of being hurt and worse than that, hurting someone else. The list goes on but enough of that…
5. I chose to live without regret.
I refuse to even let my mind think about regretting my past. If I did, I would drive myself crazy. The past 8 years that included my marriage and my divorce has shaped who I am today. And for that, I must embrace and accept all of it (the good and the bad).
No matter what happens, my divorce will always be a sad story. It just will be. I will always wish the best for him, to find true joy and one day, true love. Now moving forward…
Focusing on the Future
Ahhh the future . The excitement, the romance, the adventure…the best is yet to come. I believe that deep down in my core and it’s what I focus on every day.
If you’re anything like me, no matter how sad, angry, lonely, confused, or frustrated you are… just look around you and start to count your blessings. Soon, there won’t be room for anything but thankfulness. And sometimes in those moments, that’s all you need.
While divorce is a sad ending, it’s also a chance for a new beginning… And as for me, my heart is on my sleeve and I cannot wait to see what will happen next.
So cheers to all the goodness to come…